so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
