phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
