Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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