Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
