The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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