Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
