my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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