you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
