The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
