Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
