how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
