This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
