Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
