So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
