I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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