My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
someone owes me an orgasm
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
