he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
