I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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