While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
