I can text with my tongue
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
