woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
