I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
