And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
