Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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