I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
