I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
