I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
