I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
