we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
