my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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