Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
