I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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