I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
