theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
