my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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