alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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