Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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