plz talk dirty to me
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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