I cannot find my penis.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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