i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
