I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
