3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
