Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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