you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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