every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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