I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
