another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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