Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
