Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
