I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
