she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
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I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
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Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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