Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
