eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
