I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
