I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Randomize
