Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
