i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
