we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
