omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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