she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
