peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
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Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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